Morning After

It feels not as bad as I imagined, facing it is overrated, so anti-climatic. It's time to make the unmanageable manageable, the impossible slightly more possible, and hack away at the mountain one rock at a time.

I read a joke last night. It was quite humourous, in a twisted sort of way. I would post it, but that would kinda defeat the purpose of writing it, and it's kinda unsuitable for the internet. Maybe you all or someone else would get to see it one day. One day that will approach way too soon, it's only a short while away. The time taken for the chance meeting of two halfs to form a whole.

There are things you want to know, but you don't want to ask, because asking will just make it so meaningless. Then how do you find the answer? You can guess, but you'll never know. But that's better than nothing. And you wonder: what's the point of saying it if you're not going to say anything more? Isn't it so pissing when someone says I'll tell you something, but suddenly he changes his mind and decides not to tell you instead?

It's happening. When you tell yourself not to think about it, but because you are telling yourself that you inevitably start thinking about it. And when you think about it your mind calculates the possibilities, as it has always done over the years. Hrmm what probability would I give it to be true? 1%? That's too high? Or too low? Hard to say, these things can't really be calculated. Stop doing that, you've already told yourself that the probability is zero. Or a really small percentage chance, negligible by any standards. Except your own. Then raise your standards, you plead to yourself, so that it becomes negligible and we can be done with it. Outwardly you are resigned that the chance tends towards zero, but inwardly you hope against hope that it is true. Please please please let it be true, but who are you talking to? Have you gone insane that you start speaking to yourself? Don't we all do that? Stop side-tracking.

The probability topic and Bayes Theorem and everything about probability we learn in school is a joke, those don't happen in real life. In real life, the chance of you crossing the road and getting over to the other side is 99%, where the remaining 1% is the chance that you'll get hit by a car halfway across. And provided / given that you are hit by a car, the chance of you dying is a further 50%, and the chance of you living is 50%. (note: statistics have an error of 0.5% of the total chance.) This is what really matters. Also, probability can also been seen from another point of view, and in this case, you just keep telling yourself that it's either true or not in the end, so the probability must be 50%. You would do anything just to raise the probability. And then Levin comes up to you and tell you that it can also be seen that the end result has already happened, so the chance of you getting the end result is 100% and everything else is 0%. Somehow I think it's a lot easier to fool your mind into believing the 50-50% bull, rather than believe in this determinism crap. But in the end, whether the chance is 0%, 0.1%, 1%, 50% or 100%, statistics and probability won't be there to save you when shit happens. I really do hope this turns out to be ironic. Won't it be so nice if everything turned out the way you want it to? But that's not life you see, life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get. I like milk chocolate.

And white is just so much easier on the eyes than black. Why didn't I do this earlier?

Puffy eyes puffy eyes why won't you go away?
you've descended on me so suddenly today.
I hope you aren't here to stay
because I really don't like it this way.